Almost a year ago now, my adventure for the ICONS Roleplaying game was published. It was released to positive reviews but only a small amount of success. My publisher thought this was promising and offered me the opportunity to write another one. That was August.
In November, I got myself into NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and tried to write a novel. It was a superhero origin story. While I managed to finish the word count, and thus ‘win’ NaNoWriMo, I never actually finished the story. In effect, manuscript right now is a not-quite serial list of scenes that should hypothetically be knitted together at some point to form a cohesive narrative. There are still some scenes that would need to be written in order to make that happen.
Since then, I’ve basically taken the time off from writing. Both projects are sitting in the back of my head, haunting me. Instead of working on them, I’ve put my time into organization of online accounts and other such sillyness. It is all procrastination really. Like cleaning your desk from top to bottom every time you sit down to write and then realizing that you’ve spent all this time cleaning… oh well, I’ll work on the writing stuff tomorrow. Well the editing stuff anyway. Ok, maybe I’ll reorganize myself tomorrow. Whatever.
And of course the stuff that I have told myself needs to get done is my excuse for why I’m not working on anything new really. I could start a new project sure, but wouldn’t it be better if I worked on the stuff that needs to get done? Sure it would. I should go work on that but first let me clean my work space and reorganize everything. Oh and hey look, Social Networks.
Another factor that comes into play is that ideally I would want to write for myself but the truth is that eventually there is going to be an audience. Immediately even there will probably be an audience. I would prefer it if there was an audience. I’d prefer it if the audience was mostly people I don’t know so I don’t have to put myself out there like that. And really, who do I want reading any of this stuff anyway? But the people I know online are the best source for audience.
My mind can go to some dark places. That’s the best way to exorcise your demons right? But there is a spectrum of what I want people to know about what’s going on inside my head. There is an audience for the dark spots and it might be ok for the people who know the geeky part of me to get glimpses into the dark spots. But the people who know me professionally should never see the dark spots even if they are down with the geeky spots.
So that’s the other thing that is going on with the hyper-organization. Before I write anything, I want to make sure the audience(s) for that writing is completely and totally managed because I’m afraid to put myself out there and look like a tool.
The best way to get over your fear is to dive in. I should go put on my swim suit.