I feel like I’ve lost something.
2016 has been hard. With the ongoing health issues, I’ve really just been muddling through as best I can and part of who I used to be was left behind in the process. Supposedly, it is who you are when faced with adversity that defines who you are. I can’t help but feel that I’ve failed some important test somewhere along the way.
Next Monday, not this coming Monday, I am going in for an ultrasound ln my abdomen, checking the size of my spleen and/or liver. The doctor is hopeful that my spleen has shrunk. I don’t feel better so I’m not feeling particularlh optimistic. And if it has, that just takes me back to square one. Or I do my best to ignore the discomfort and go about my life rathed than following this wild goose.
Recently I switched departments at my office and my old department had a going away party. During that party, several very nice things were said about me. The two that struck home were that I was humble about my work and that I was a calming influence when working on projects. These sounded like me. The me that I was and the me that I wish I could go back to being.
The me that I am now is irritable and prone to yelling. He can wear the old me like a mask most of the time but the pain and the fear make it difficult. I feel alone because I know people are sick or scared to hear about it. I know I am. But it is o my mind a lot so what else am I going to talk about?
I am generally prone to nostalgia. Old games, movies, and other interests are a source of comfort for me. Is finding my old self just a way of trying to ease my troubles? If it is, is that really so bad?