Getting Bill Back… 

But plenty of us are
But plenty of us are

I feel like I’ve lost something. 

2016 has been hard.  With the ongoing health issues,  I’ve really just been muddling through as best I can and part of who I used to be was left  behind in the process. Supposedly,  it is who you are when faced with adversity that defines who you are.  I can’t help but feel that I’ve failed some important test somewhere along the way. 

Next Monday,  not this coming Monday,  I am going in for an ultrasound ln my abdomen,  checking the size of my spleen and/or liver.  The doctor is hopeful that my spleen has shrunk.  I don’t feel better so I’m not feeling particularlh optimistic.  And if it has,  that just takes me back to square one.  Or I do my best to ignore the discomfort and go about my life rathed than following this wild goose. 

Recently I switched departments at my office and my old department had a going away party. During that party,  several very nice things were said about me.  The two that struck home were that I was humble about my work and that I was a calming influence when working on projects.  These sounded like me. The me that I was and the me that I wish I could go back to being. 

The me that I am now is irritable and prone to yelling.  He can wear the old me like a mask most of the time but the pain and the fear make it difficult. I feel alone because I know people are sick or scared to hear about it.  I know I am. But it is o  my mind a lot so what else am I going to talk about? 

I am generally prone to nostalgia.  Old games,  movies,  and other interests are a source of comfort for me.  Is finding my old self just a way of trying to ease my troubles? If it is,  is that really so bad?